Legal Zoom: A Cornucopia of Joy

Who knew that filling out legal forms online was so orgasmic?

The web designers over at LegalZoom.com apparently.

Happy, pre-reality entrepreneurs and the
classic sexy customer service phone rep

"I only trust a muthafucka as far as I can throw'im."

 

"Daddy's gonna diiiiiiiiiie!"

Cougar alert! She's back on the market...

...and she got the house...

...while he's filing for bankruptcy.

 

You can't get fooled again.

Buy Life Insurance or the Fantasy is Over

While going about your business of bouncing randomly across the web, you smack headlong into these little gems of stock photography hell conjured up by the heartless marketing team over at AccuQuote.

That's right, you didn't buy life insurance and now your eldest daughter is lost in the world

And who even wants to think of what sordid fate awaits your innocent little princess???

Well thank God for Accoquote Life Insurance! Now everyone is smiling, wearing bright clothes, and feeling pretty damn good about things...even if you are dead!!!

The Power Company's Asian Secretaries Pay You Big Bucks

Along with every monthly bill Burbank Water & Power includes about 5 pieces of paper promoting random crap around the community that quickly finds its way into the trash or recycling bin. Half of these involve going green...so maybe BWP should take the initiative by not sending them and saving some damn trees!

But I digress. Here we have the latest scheme: this cute young Asian-American secretary (found in Henson's Stock Photography disc 4) will personally work with your business to retrofit it with more energy efficient appliances...and then she'll blow your entire staff. Plus you can earn up to $2,000 in credits, woo hoo!

Who buys into this stuff???

Connecting People to Magazines They Didn't Even Subscribe To

I received a copy of Dime Magazine at my P.O. Box a couple weeks ago, it's a glossy rag all about NBA stars that quickly found its way into the recycling bin at work. Today I received a little "subscription renewal notice" from Dime, so I called to have myself removed from their list and to find out how I ended up "subscribing" in the first place.

The girl on the phone said a "third party" called M2 Media Group had forwarded my info to them. So I looked up M2 and found this very pleasant collage of hip n' trendy people deep in "magitation." Though that one of the butch-cut chick might be a stolen shot taken with a telephoto lens from across the park by a stock photography voyeur.

Needless to say, a quick Google search reveals many complaints about this generically named "group" and their shady practices. Sorry M2, next time try sending me a free copy of Metal Maniacs...

Even the Puppy Knows This Girl Isn't a Veterinarian

Unless this chick is the Doogie Howser of the animal kingdom then we've got another stock photography fraud on our hands. And if this obsession with hot young chicks continues we may soon find advertisements for undertakers with the Swedish bikini team holding up a rainbow-colored casket...

The IRS Supports Interacial Family Picnics

In the You Can't Make This Crap Up file we find this utterly preposterous screenshot from the IRS.gov website depicting a white family and a black family having----wait for it----a fucking picnic!!! Better yet, the background grass and sky were added in Photoshop, making this one of the most piss-poor examples of Utopian stock photography we've ever seen. And why don't these people have sons?

Very disturbing. Happy Tax Day, serfs!

Samson Hair Restoration Prefers Stock Photography to Its Own Clients

When you're trying to sell middle-aged cubicle slaves on expensive hair restoration treatment, the best thing to do is to mostly use pictures of young men with perfect hairlines throughout the brochure. Because who the hell wants to see wrinkled fat asses with more hair??? Ya still ain't gonna get laid looking like that, buddy!

Abercrombie runner-up who will probably lose his first hair in another 25 years

"If I only had a brain..."

Fertile young women will pull their cars over to meet you!!!

"Now I'm playful and bashful again...thank you,

Samson, for giving me my life back!"

Does this guy even know how to work a telephone?

Finally your son will love you again...

The Joy of Finding Colon Cancer

For something as serious as colon cancer, nothing but an early 1980s photo of a happy middle aged couple and their adult daughter would do. And the lush green background lets us know that everything is going to be a-okay with Jim's rectus maximus. Though...we can't help but wonder if the doctors amputated him from the waist down and that's not an embrace we're witnessing but wife and daughter actually carrying him to the picnic table.

Needless to say, this is some premier gastroenterology care...

Hot Swedish Nurses Answer Your Obamacare Questions

Yeah, this chick is a nurse! Something tells us this stock photo still was plucked from the first page of a porno mag pictorial during the "storyline setup." And the best part of this whole fantasy is that we're looking at a screenshot from the main page of CNN.com, right next to a picture of the equally hot Nancy Pelosi (see "They Live"). Who believes this crap?

It's a miracle this lady didn't accidentally strangle herself putting that stethoscope around her neck...but ya know what? We have a big heart and forgive the Swedish lass. Care to play doctor???

We Are the World Comes to Payroll Processing

Here at Paychex we pride ourselves on the diversity of our stock photography employees--by color, that is. We don't hire anyone who is overweight or over the age of 35, because we're a hip young company that understands that human resources isn't a job, it's joy.

Is that man on the far right Indian or Mexican? We don't know, check'em both off the list. Is that white woman on the left straight or lesbian? Let's just say she's bi and call it a day. Does that black man in the middle really work for us or is he actually fresh off the boat from Liberia in search of an acting career in Los Angeles? Does that Asian woman really wear glasses? I don't think that nicely mixed black lady is really smiling...could it be that her career as a tap dancer hit a few bumps and now she has to partake in stock photo shoots to pay the bills?

Paychex...we are the world (except straight white males, yuck).

Douchebag Wardrobes Courtesy of Paypal Shopping

"Look, honey! Another place I can spend all your money!" Not so fast, lady. You've got Paypal Shopping, which means that the tool on your arm can also get his share of trendy rags from Bangladesh. Whether you're going for that 1930s Lima Bean look or the bathrobe that turns into a winter scarf, you'll find it with us.

So stock up, color coordinate, and live, baby!!!

Blond Businesswomen in Power Suits Sitting in Well-Lit Corner Offices Use AT&T

If this moderately attractive cougar can pay her bills and schedule her DVR to record "Sex in the City" reruns online (while simultaneously using an adding machine!), then you really have no excuse not to use AT&T's online account manager either. It's that easy. And who knows, maybe this wise choice is the first of many on a long road that will get you out of that cramped gray cubicle into the bright corner office as inhabited by this stock photography dream girl...

Mercury Insurance Supports an Obama Presidency

That's right, black people are now living the Middle Class dream...and Mercury Insurance is a crucial part of that equation. Along with their Ikea furniture, mysterious coffee table bowl, and race-neutral clothing, this not-too-dark-skinned-so-white-customers-won't-be-turned-off African-American couple is living it up as they scramble from month-to-month paying for all the trinkets that being middle class demands.

And just when they think they've finally gotten ahead on a month, that bill from Mercury arrives asking for the second or third installment on the overpriced six-month auto policy. Ha, ha! Just because now you own a Volvo doesn't mean you're not still a serf.

Semi-Exotic, Fashion-Conscious eBay Operators are Standing By!

Maybe she's an eBay seller, maybe she's an eBay operator. Either way you'd be completely insane not to schedule an appointment with eBay Outreach right freaking now!!!

Never mind that you've been slogging through the online auction trenches for years, dealing with every curveball buyers can throw your way as well as the corporate arson from the Big Brains up at eBay headquarters. Instead, why not let some kid fresh out of college with no practical experience but armed with a big 3-ring binder of "strategies" tell you how to run your business.

Then you too can bang semi-exotic young women who own lots of pens.