The Joy of Finding Colon Cancer

For something as serious as colon cancer, nothing but an early 1980s photo of a happy middle aged couple and their adult daughter would do. And the lush green background lets us know that everything is going to be a-okay with Jim's rectus maximus. Though...we can't help but wonder if the doctors amputated him from the waist down and that's not an embrace we're witnessing but wife and daughter actually carrying him to the picnic table.

Needless to say, this is some premier gastroenterology care...

Hot Swedish Nurses Answer Your Obamacare Questions

Yeah, this chick is a nurse! Something tells us this stock photo still was plucked from the first page of a porno mag pictorial during the "storyline setup." And the best part of this whole fantasy is that we're looking at a screenshot from the main page of CNN.com, right next to a picture of the equally hot Nancy Pelosi (see "They Live"). Who believes this crap?

It's a miracle this lady didn't accidentally strangle herself putting that stethoscope around her neck...but ya know what? We have a big heart and forgive the Swedish lass. Care to play doctor???

We Are the World Comes to Payroll Processing

Here at Paychex we pride ourselves on the diversity of our stock photography employees--by color, that is. We don't hire anyone who is overweight or over the age of 35, because we're a hip young company that understands that human resources isn't a job, it's joy.

Is that man on the far right Indian or Mexican? We don't know, check'em both off the list. Is that white woman on the left straight or lesbian? Let's just say she's bi and call it a day. Does that black man in the middle really work for us or is he actually fresh off the boat from Liberia in search of an acting career in Los Angeles? Does that Asian woman really wear glasses? I don't think that nicely mixed black lady is really smiling...could it be that her career as a tap dancer hit a few bumps and now she has to partake in stock photo shoots to pay the bills?

Paychex...we are the world (except straight white males, yuck).

Douchebag Wardrobes Courtesy of Paypal Shopping

"Look, honey! Another place I can spend all your money!" Not so fast, lady. You've got Paypal Shopping, which means that the tool on your arm can also get his share of trendy rags from Bangladesh. Whether you're going for that 1930s Lima Bean look or the bathrobe that turns into a winter scarf, you'll find it with us.

So stock up, color coordinate, and live, baby!!!

Blond Businesswomen in Power Suits Sitting in Well-Lit Corner Offices Use AT&T

If this moderately attractive cougar can pay her bills and schedule her DVR to record "Sex in the City" reruns online (while simultaneously using an adding machine!), then you really have no excuse not to use AT&T's online account manager either. It's that easy. And who knows, maybe this wise choice is the first of many on a long road that will get you out of that cramped gray cubicle into the bright corner office as inhabited by this stock photography dream girl...

Mercury Insurance Supports an Obama Presidency

That's right, black people are now living the Middle Class dream...and Mercury Insurance is a crucial part of that equation. Along with their Ikea furniture, mysterious coffee table bowl, and race-neutral clothing, this not-too-dark-skinned-so-white-customers-won't-be-turned-off African-American couple is living it up as they scramble from month-to-month paying for all the trinkets that being middle class demands.

And just when they think they've finally gotten ahead on a month, that bill from Mercury arrives asking for the second or third installment on the overpriced six-month auto policy. Ha, ha! Just because now you own a Volvo doesn't mean you're not still a serf.

Semi-Exotic, Fashion-Conscious eBay Operators are Standing By!

Maybe she's an eBay seller, maybe she's an eBay operator. Either way you'd be completely insane not to schedule an appointment with eBay Outreach right freaking now!!!

Never mind that you've been slogging through the online auction trenches for years, dealing with every curveball buyers can throw your way as well as the corporate arson from the Big Brains up at eBay headquarters. Instead, why not let some kid fresh out of college with no practical experience but armed with a big 3-ring binder of "strategies" tell you how to run your business.

Then you too can bang semi-exotic young women who own lots of pens.