Legal Zoom: A Cornucopia of Joy

Who knew that filling out legal forms online was so orgasmic?

The web designers over at LegalZoom.com apparently.

Happy, pre-reality entrepreneurs and the
classic sexy customer service phone rep

"I only trust a muthafucka as far as I can throw'im."

 

"Daddy's gonna diiiiiiiiiie!"

Cougar alert! She's back on the market...

...and she got the house...

...while he's filing for bankruptcy.

 

You can't get fooled again.

Buy Life Insurance or the Fantasy is Over

While going about your business of bouncing randomly across the web, you smack headlong into these little gems of stock photography hell conjured up by the heartless marketing team over at AccuQuote.

That's right, you didn't buy life insurance and now your eldest daughter is lost in the world

And who even wants to think of what sordid fate awaits your innocent little princess???

Well thank God for Accoquote Life Insurance! Now everyone is smiling, wearing bright clothes, and feeling pretty damn good about things...even if you are dead!!!

The Power Company's Asian Secretaries Pay You Big Bucks

Along with every monthly bill Burbank Water & Power includes about 5 pieces of paper promoting random crap around the community that quickly finds its way into the trash or recycling bin. Half of these involve going green...so maybe BWP should take the initiative by not sending them and saving some damn trees!

But I digress. Here we have the latest scheme: this cute young Asian-American secretary (found in Henson's Stock Photography disc 4) will personally work with your business to retrofit it with more energy efficient appliances...and then she'll blow your entire staff. Plus you can earn up to $2,000 in credits, woo hoo!

Who buys into this stuff???

Connecting People to Magazines They Didn't Even Subscribe To

I received a copy of Dime Magazine at my P.O. Box a couple weeks ago, it's a glossy rag all about NBA stars that quickly found its way into the recycling bin at work. Today I received a little "subscription renewal notice" from Dime, so I called to have myself removed from their list and to find out how I ended up "subscribing" in the first place.

The girl on the phone said a "third party" called M2 Media Group had forwarded my info to them. So I looked up M2 and found this very pleasant collage of hip n' trendy people deep in "magitation." Though that one of the butch-cut chick might be a stolen shot taken with a telephoto lens from across the park by a stock photography voyeur.

Needless to say, a quick Google search reveals many complaints about this generically named "group" and their shady practices. Sorry M2, next time try sending me a free copy of Metal Maniacs...

Even the Puppy Knows This Girl Isn't a Veterinarian

Unless this chick is the Doogie Howser of the animal kingdom then we've got another stock photography fraud on our hands. And if this obsession with hot young chicks continues we may soon find advertisements for undertakers with the Swedish bikini team holding up a rainbow-colored casket...

The IRS Supports Interacial Family Picnics

In the You Can't Make This Crap Up file we find this utterly preposterous screenshot from the IRS.gov website depicting a white family and a black family having----wait for it----a fucking picnic!!! Better yet, the background grass and sky were added in Photoshop, making this one of the most piss-poor examples of Utopian stock photography we've ever seen. And why don't these people have sons?

Very disturbing. Happy Tax Day, serfs!

Samson Hair Restoration Prefers Stock Photography to Its Own Clients

When you're trying to sell middle-aged cubicle slaves on expensive hair restoration treatment, the best thing to do is to mostly use pictures of young men with perfect hairlines throughout the brochure. Because who the hell wants to see wrinkled fat asses with more hair??? Ya still ain't gonna get laid looking like that, buddy!

Abercrombie runner-up who will probably lose his first hair in another 25 years

"If I only had a brain..."

Fertile young women will pull their cars over to meet you!!!

"Now I'm playful and bashful again...thank you,

Samson, for giving me my life back!"

Does this guy even know how to work a telephone?

Finally your son will love you again...